Michael Mehl

Air Guitar Heroes rejoice! One of yours is now on a presidential ticket to, maybe, somewhere.

Sarah Palin is here to take up your cause. There is no longer need to wallow in nerdy resignation because you really, truly, have no talent whatsoever; as much as you try to make up for it by going all silly, breaking into a sweat with fake guitar chops ripped off from old videos of Stairway To Heaven.

It’s OK to pretend now. It’s legit. It’s cool. So long as you have an audience.

If you are blessed with the unexamined life and are comfortable making a fool of yourself on stage or in the middle of someone’s living room -arms flaling about, exaggerated facial contortions conjured to connect with your audience, shimmying gracelessly to a backbeat you could never recreate on your own- you are probably a good contender to win any number of Guitar Hero Games and Air Guitar competitions. Or presidential elections.

You can thank your lucky stars that MILF Palin came along to lower the bar, making even Karaoke seem like a respectable discipline for the musically-challenged elites. Heck, at this rate you yourself are probably a qualified contender for national office. 

So really, gosh-golly, don’t bother to learn any chords, write a few words or compose a melody. And sweet heavens Joe -there you go again- don’t even think about learning music or how to play an instrument -all that studying and practicing is such a waste of time. Correcting mistakes really has no place on an Air Guitar stage where everything is so there and now, and in the future, which is very bright since I’m in it and have always been there…

Hop aboard the Airhead Express/Ply on the makeup/Spruce up your do/Practice your winking and spew out words without thinking/Don’t second-guess/And Great Bejeezus! don’t even consider blinking/Because in this our country, unblinking has saved many a ship from sinking… wink, wink/So say it loud!/I’m dumb and I’m proud!/And don’t second-guess the Airhead Express!

Here’s a shoutout to all you Air Guitar Heroes: The Gov-Gov says that all you have to do is mimic unto others as you would have them mimic unto you.

Be a hero. Just fake it.

(Memo From The Gov’s Office: Moose dress rehearsal will follow firing of state trooper at 3:30. Attendance is compulsory for state employees and potential contractors. Creationist study groups are excused from attending.)

Compared to Sarah Palin, George W. Bush has wisdom and gravitas. Compared to the current incarnation of John McCain, George W. Bush really has a pair of cojones. Compared to all three, Dick Cheney is Master Of The Universe.

George W. Bush never had convictions to begin with, so it is inappropriate to fault him for losing them, leaving them behind, or throwing them away. In his case, convictions are irrelevant. John McCain not only had convictions, as he has said, he had the Courage of his convictions, as is perceived by his base. In McCain’s case, in his public persona, his convictions are the most relevant aspect of his character. In his quest for power however, he has pointedly put courage and convictions aside.

Regardless of what anyone thinks, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are, in their own foul way, the quintessential uber-politicians. In contrast, John McCain and Sarah Palin have been repackaged as third-rate Circus Clowns; a halftime sight-gag awkwardly prancing behind the elephant parade, pooper scoopers in hand.

Even if the current administration is the most corrupt abomination of what government should be, it still would be a hundred times more desirable if Dick Cheney figured out a way to amend the constitution, allowing Mr. Dubya to get reelected to four more years of bedlam, than to have the improvised, contrived, unholy alliance of McCain and Palin, the Presumptive Clowns, in office for even one day.

I firmly believe that a country has the government it deserves. If we as a country have, deep down, a passionate desire for governance by incompetents, then let’s just stick with the current set of incompetency. It’ll be less damaging and laughable than the proposed succession, if said succession were to come to pass. If we as a country have finally awakened from our political stupor, and have been born again as responsible citizens, with full awareness of our civic obligations and our place in the world, there is no excuse, none whatsoever, for allowing clowns, or incompetents, to govern.